Forbidden Penpals
by AlaWickma
Summary: Draco's missing his favorite teacher, and his teacher is about fed up with him. Interesting look inside the world of Severus Snape and his love life with the Malfoys! VERY FUNNY! Light slash D/S *UPDATED*
1. Letter One

Disclaimer: We don't own shit. 

A/N this Fan Fiction was written by **both** me (Alawickma) and Fairymargarita (who is in my favorite authors section) so have fun reading, _and we're warning you ahead of time_; you're in for one sick and twisted read!

August 12

Dearest Professor, 

It has been too long, I know you told me not to write but Sir, I cannot help myself. I can't wait to be in your dusty classroom dungeon again, to feel your hand on my shoulder as you look over my perfect potion. I miss running my fingers through your long black hair, leaving a grossly sweet grease in my hand. 

My father says you were on of the brightest and most cunning of people he's ever met, next to the Dark Lord. I have to say I disagree, you are much sexier than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, you have a better body and you don't smell like a moldy bacon cheeseburger. 

How are things with you Professor? Have you been enjoying your summer? I certainly have been disgusted with mine. Father still thinks I need to find a rich girl to be my wife. He doesn't know about me or us for that matter and I won't dare say a word until you tell me to do so. 

I sure hope my letter is not embarrassing you, but I had to tell you my feelings and how I was doing, for I'm sure you have been wondering for many days. I hope you reply to me soon, Professor. 

Yours Always, 

Draco Houseman Malfoy


	2. Letter Two

August 14

Draco, 

You fool! Didn't I tell you NOT to write? Now you've risked my entire job, if Dumbledore knew what we were up to, that old goat. If he knew what I wanted to do to you next class… if he knew it included handcuffs, a microphone, and a rubber band. But you will know soon enough and Draco, next time I get top…. And hands off the hair. That's mine! Don't you worry, you'll get yours soon enough and does your father really say that about me? I always thought that man was intelligent. Now, only if I could get into his pants. Just so you know, I haven't wondered how you were. I wondered how George (or in other words Mr. Winky) is doing without a nice… warm…. Bath. 

Don't write back you idiot of a boy. 

~Severus Milhouse Snape 


	3. Letter Three

August 16

Dearest Professor, 

I am severely hurt by your words. Surely you don't think of me as a foolish, idiotic of a boy, as I don't think I am. I'm just a boy helplessly in love with… nuts. 

I must tell you I had a dream of you and me stealing Professor McGonagall's herb chicken last night. I woke up with the sudden urge of the chicken and… nuts. 

And to answer your question about my father, yes it is true. But now I think he's a bit angry with you for last night when I was about to make the herb chicken I ever so wanted I heard him moan your name and snog his pillow. Quite disturbing really now that I think about it. 

Anyways, no, I always get top. Special Malfoy privilege, you know that. Malfoy's always over power the weak, which is basically the rest of the world. When I was younger, my father and I would give my mother a cookie for bottom. She's quite partial for chocolate chip although sometimes she would get… nuts. 

I must send this off now before father wakes up. 

Yours Always, 

Draco Houseman Malfoy


	4. Letter Four

August 19

Draco, 

How stupid can you be? DON'T WRITE ME! And yes, I want that cookie you offered. As long as it has… nuts. And I do think you are a stupid boy. I didn't want to know how you were because I… have you noticed a, sort of presence, while you were sleeping or in the lavatory? That's right, and your father wasn't snogging a pillow… that was me too. And if you're wondering- I did get in his pants. 

I've changed my mind about the microphone. I think you would be more than happy with a dinner candle. And Draco, this time, make it cherry flavored. 

DO NOT WRITE BACK! 

~Severus Milhouse Snape

P.S. You will be pleased to know I have installed a Jacuzzi behind the dungeon wall, just for… us. I'll show you the secret entrance upon the start of term. DON'T GO LOOKING FOR IT. Millie won't like you. 


	5. Letter Five

August 21

Dearest Professor, 

I'm sorry, but I can not help but write to you. You are my life as of now. I sleep, think and breathe you every moment of the day. I cannot help it, you bring the soft spot out of me. That's why I love and hate you so much. Wait, I don't hate you! I'm so sorry! Damn quill doesn't have an eraser on it. 

No, no cherry! STRAWBERRY YOU FOOL! Don't you know that strawberry is the Malfoy special? It heightens our senses if you know what I mean. 

That was you looking at me in the lou? I should've known. For some reason I thought it was the pink gay house elf of ours. That house elf hasn't looked at me the same way after I--- never mind. You'll find out yourself. 

And who the HELL is _Millie_?! And how would it be possible for her not to like me??! Everybody loves the Malfoys. Everybody. Even that fucked up "Millie" chick. Is she hot? Is she _HUMAN?!_

Shit, father's up, I have to get knickers on, and send this.

Yours Always,

Draco Houseman Malfoy 


	6. Letter Six

August 25

Draco,

*shakes head* Why do you keep writing me?! You silly boy! These letters could be intercepted by ANYONE. If your father catches you writing me, tell him its for the homework I gave you over the summer holiday. And, I'd rather that you did hate me. You'd think after what I did to you that you would hate me. In all my many years of teaching Potions with sexy young pupils as you, I have NEVER seen that much blood in one… place. 

And to answer your question about Millie, well….I'll just put it to you in the…clean…format. See I couldn't leave our little play-toy Jacuzzi unguarded or we'd have all these students going and blabbing. So I bought Millie. She is my Goddess….I mean Python!!! She has 6892 heads and they each…bite. So don't you even DARE going and looking for the entrance without me there. There's only one way past her but we'll have to discuss that later in case this letter is intercepted by anyone. 

NO MORE BLOODY LETTERS!

~Severus Milhouse Snape

P.S. I meant python. PYTHON! And you were right about the bloody quills without erasers. I hate quills….well, I hate to write with them. Other than that, they're fine.


	7. Letter Seven

August 27

Dearest Professor, 

Jacuzzi you say? Python? Wow, Professor, I must admit if my pants were not on I might have had a little problem reading it. Luckily I got the beast to calm down after a few pep talks. Mum hasn't noticed her knickers have gone missing yet. They remind me of you, with all the delicate pink lace, the little bow on the front of the thong. Remember when you made me dress as a woman, and you-- a Muggle? Is that correct? I wish you where here. And, if I'm not mistaken, I _can_ feel a slight…presence. I think I will enjoy this. I will give the "presence" a nice little show…

…whoa, that was good. If only you where here to hold me after. I would be able to hold that greasy, black hair. God, I miss the hair. That's all I really want. The greasy, black, thick, long, wavy hair on your…head. I have yet to make those cookies with…nuts. But I am sure you will… enjoy… them. I have to go, the presence is back.

Yours Always,

Draco Houseman Malfoy 


	8. Letter Eight

August 29

Draco,

God, you bloody little child! If you don't stop writing, I'll have to…hum. I just thought … I have a way as for you and I to meet up before school, as Dumbledore has decided to start term on the 15th. I do hope you got the letter like the other children…*thinks* so glad I wasn't one…

Anyway, as your father may have already told you, I have been having an affair with, well, both of your bloody foolish parents. Each thinking the other doesn't know about yours truly. 

Though both oblivious of each other, each enjoy my "company". Thus, I could…_visit_, and leave a little…later than they think I left.

Oh, and, my dear Draco, if you do not cease to write me, I will be forced to punish you most painfully. And you must trust me when I tell you; pure blood will be spilt at this- this... _inconvenience_ at my end of the owl. By the way, my owl has been flying at a sort of… angle … and if I found out you raped it, you'll be worse off then before. I promise you with all my up most being. 

Anyways, STOP WRITING ME YOU BLOODY GIRL---I--- I mean _boy_. You write again, suffer my…**_unpleasantness_**. Bloody--! Most of my ink was put at a waist making that word bold! That's the worst! Having all your ink gone by _one_ _bloody bold word! Ugh! Must be off, all my ink will be gone in a matter of words._

-- Severus Houseman Snape


	9. Letter Nine

September 3

Dearest Professor Snape, 

Yes, sir, I did receive the letter stating our term would start later than the previous years, does that mean I miss a whole 15 days out of the year without you? GODDAMMIT! That old bat Dumbledore screwed up my system. I stopped masturbating just so I would release more into you on the first. But no, my little men had been inside me so long that now they're swimming around in my large comfortable bed! I had the most pleasant dream though, it was you and… nevermind that. 

Oh and about your owl, most apologies. The… dog must have gotten to him. Yes, old Bob the dog, he doesn't know how to control himself. Last week he impregnated the goldfish and she gave birth this morning. They are so ugly I can't even describe it.

Oh, and about that _punishment... _I just hope that it doesn't interfere with my little men, they're quite precious to me, and that's why you can understand my fit over the…_bed_ _incident_. Usually at this point I would say "lets never speak of it again" but I find it a nice silence breaker. Much more interesting than listening to crickets in my opinion. But than again, I think crickets are--- nevermind. I'll have to tell you later. 

And I understand about the whole ink thing. That must have sucked…and I know another thing that sucks, but once again professor, I'll have to tell you that in person, in case the letters are being intercepted. I don't want to tell anything _too_ personal, if you know what I mean, professor. I don't want any blackmail back at Hogwarts. You know I'll just end up writing another song about Weasley and the _other_ reason why he's the _ENTIRE_ Slytherin house's king. Okay, okay professor. Don't want to give out too much information now. Your so tricky to talk to, you know that? You get anything out of me. One more reason I'm quiet during our… time… together. 

Sorry, must go now. Father is coming. He can't see me writing. I'll see YOU soon… hopefully.

Yours Truly,

Draco Millhouse Malfoy


	10. Letter Ten

September 5

Draco,

YOU HAVENT _GOT _A DOG YOU FOOL! The closest thing to a dog in that house is YOU! Though, I never said I didn't enjoy dogs, mind you. By the way, it was you with my owl. Last night it gave birth to… baby _Dracos_! How do I know? Because they had blonde hair and tiny little pee-pees! But not to worry, I killed those half bloods in the Hogwarts Lake earlier this afternoon. If you ever see a floating owl with your head, just burn it. No need for any rumors spread about the school, now. Am I right?

You're afraid of people intercepting letters, yet you speak of your men in your bed! Can you spell

"W-e-a-s-l-e-y I-s O-u-r K-i-n-g"? Because I believe that could count as blackmail!

NEVER WRITE AGAIN, UNLESS I WRITE YOU FIRST! You're risking the exposure of our relationship! Do you know what that could mean? MY SACKING! I would never be close to little boys ever again! That would ruin me! I—I— er…nevermind. 

But I will be at your house on the 13th, that is, if you're as lucky as that donkey hidden in my office. *thinks* that lucky jackass. I might turn up the day afterwards. Yes, one day before the new start of term. But if you'd like, I can forge a Hogwarts letter, and offer to bring you sooner. That is if I'm feeling generous. And trust me, you'll know when I'm feeling generous.

And about that punishment I was speaking of; only your sick mind could make it incredibly pleasurable. Nothing gets you, honestly. But that mule in my office here is being a bit loud. But not to worry, I've come up with a little method to shut it up. What you do is you stick your --*loud inexplicable noise while reading out loud *-- and you put it up his --*louder inexplicable noise while reading out loud *-- and it works quite well, if you know what I mean. Muahahah- *cough*cough*cough* -ahaha! Maybe I should try it on you! I bet you would bleed, or pass out in pain. Either way, I like it. Who cares about what the victim—er…the…_lover_ thinks? God do I wish either these quills had erasers as we discussed before, or that this bloody parchment didn't cost my left nut! But then again the prosthetic actually works quite nice, as you already know. Have you ever noticed the ever so slight discoloration? I'd take the other one if you have. It's so realistic. Jesus Christ, talk about blackmail. BLOODY EXPENCIVE PARCHMENT! 

Must be off, good day to you.

~Severus Millhouse Snape


	11. Letter Eleven

September 10

Dearest Professor, 

You wrote me back! I'm allowed to write to you! Ha! You old fool… with a nice butt and a nice tuft. Oh and I did notice something a bit wrong with your nut but it's been working quite nicely, I thoroughly enjoy it. But that one time six months ago, you might not remember because we did a lot six months ago, I think it got stuck up my ass. It took forever to get it out. Please say you've realized that it was missing? I'm still trying to figure out how it got there, but than again, I was dead drunk 'till about two weeks ago. I don't remember much about the last few years of my life. I must have been hit in the … "head" … too many times, if you know what I mean. 

Speaking of head, I've been meaning to talk to you about something. Have you ever thought about attending a blow job class? There's this guy named I.B. Godfocker in Diagon Alley I think could do you some good. He works at Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions. If you let him do your pants for you, he'll give you a free five-minute session. He's quite good. Have you ever noticed how many pairs of pants I have? I have quite a few. 

Oh, and I swear those aren't my Draco-owls! I don't have a little pee-pee! And I think you made Fred the Dog very angry. He wanted to see his first ever offspring! Poor little lad. Not only would he never have the joy of seeing his owl-children, but my mum named him Bill! How much would you hate to be called "Bill the Dog"? Oh look! I think he just died. Oh no. He was hit by…a…loose…rabid…Draco-owl! Yeah! That's it!

Please don't make me think about my poor Alan Dog! Such a loss. Anyways… This pain your putting me through is making me resort to Muggle Teenage Rock Music. I hope you're happy! Now that I'm a No Use For A Name groupie! I never wanted to be a Muggle-groupie! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! 

Yours Truly,

~ Draco Houseman Malfoy


End file.
